


Levi the Elephant

by Arlene0401



Series: Tumblr drabbles and oneshots 2018 [5]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Drunken Shenanigans, Established Relationship, M/M, regrettable lingerie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-28 14:51:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15051551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arlene0401/pseuds/Arlene0401
Summary: Levi gets drunk once in a blue moon, and each time the results are hilarious. This time it's... wild.





	1. pack your trunk

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ageha_Sakura](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ageha_Sakura/gifts), [dinklebert](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinklebert/gifts).



> Requested by [qtpiewithlove](http://qtpiewithlove.tumblr.com) with the prompt: "Can I borrow that book of yours?"
> 
> Apologies ahead, I sort of drunk wrote this with Levi’s fursona from the [SNK & Tobu Zoo official art](http://snkmerchandise.tumblr.com/post/174237199245/news-snk-x-tobu-zoo-collaboration-event) in mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lovely [dinklebert ](http://dinklebert.tumblr.com) made an [absolutely INCREDIBLE art](http://dinklebert.tumblr.com/post/175259418417/glassesgirl0401-so-i-drew-you-a-thing-for-this) of Levi in his full wasted beauty which you should definitely check out, and please throw all your love at them!

Eren decided to read in bed while he waited for Levi to come home. Experience had taught him that his husband would be drunk off his ass and possibly in need of assistance (and persuasion) to get into bed. Erwin’s annual birthday celebration was one of the very few occasions where Levi drank alcohol.

It was even later than usual when he heard keys clink in the lock. Eyes still glued to his novel, he acoustically followed Levi’s buzzed journey through the apartment. Shoes dropped to the ground, three futile attempts to hang up the jacket. A collision with the kitchen doorway, followed by an “oops” and a giggle. Water tap running, then thudding footsteps of a drunk person who was convinced to be as quiet as a mouse. A lot of muffled splashing and cluttering in the bathroom, more giggles and inhumane gurgling noises.

The door connecting the bathroom and bedroom clicked open, and Levi padded over to Eren’s bedside. Without looking up, Eren greeted him: “Hi, Levi. Had a nice party? There’s a glass of water and an Alka-Seltzer on your bedside table if -”

“Can I borrow that book of yours?” The novel was ripped from his hands and dropped to the floor, and before he could even protest, Eren found himself straddled by a very, very drunk and naked Levi. Well, naked safe for one item of clothing.

“Hi darliiin’, your husband’s home.”

“I see that,” Eren deadpanned. Levi grinned happily and engaged him in a kiss that tasted of toothpaste and vaguely of Bourbon. Then he straightened up and blinked to clear his focus.

“Eren,” he declared in a grave tone, “we need to fulfill or marital obligations. Get naked, lie down and enjoy.”

“Levi, you’re drunk. And besides, what on _earth_ are you wearing?”

“Heh. You like him? Majestic, ain’t he? My spirit animal.”

“Where did you even get… this? I never noticed it in your underwear drawer before.”

“There were some women in the bar… chicken, chicken… no, not chicken.” Levi closed his eyes in fierce concentration. “Hen. A hen party! The bride had to sell them. And I had to get him. I mean, he’s me, isn’t he? Fuckin’ huge.”

“Darling, you’re not huge.”

“I am, where it counts.” Suggestive eyebrow waggle. “Damn, this makes me feel so sexy.” With a little coordinative difficulty, Levi unfolded himself and strutted through the bedroom, apparently very pleased with his purchase.

Eren stared at the elephant thong and didn’t know whether to laugh his ass off or tear the thing off Levi’s body and burn it. The sheer existence of elephant thongs was a crime against humanity in and by itself, but this particular exemplar sported huge floppy ears, “animal” print… and googly eyes.

Levi wiggled his hips, causing the ears to flap and the… trunk to wobble about. “Oh yes, look at this liana. Get ready for the anaconda of love, darling. You Jane, me Tarzan. Come on, let’s rumble in the jungle.”

He kneeled on the bed and crawled up until he came to lie on top of Eren, where he promptly started snoring. Quietly laughing to himself, Eren gently rolled him off and to his own side of the bed and tucked him in. The anaconda of love, sweet Jesus. Drunk Levi was a gift of the gods, but this year had been utterly adorable.

Eren switched off the lights. He looked forward to Levi waking up and discovering his attire.


	2. hard to bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So many of you requested a sequel featuring poor Levi's morning after, so here it is! i hope you like it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And [dinklebert](http://dinklebert.tumblr.com) struck again with [this positively _delectable_ Eren](http://dinklebert.tumblr.com/post/175376420762/glassesgirl0401-bless-u-for-giving-us-a-sequel-to) and... wow. I'm besides myself and honestly still don't know how I deserve this.

Levi was not gently roused to wakefulness by the soothing sounds of the Peer Gynt Suite No. 1 and colorful birds drawing the blinds to reveal a pastoral scene in the morning mist.

Rather, it was a combination of a one billion watt bulb shone in his face, and the screaming of a a burning donkey that was simultaneously being devoured alive by a pack of hyenas and pushed down a chimney.

Also, someone was inserting rusty nails into his ears and eyes.

He blinked and instantly regretted it, since blinding sunlight flooded the bedroom. The inhuman noises, on listening more closely, turned out to be his radio alarm clock blaring the Spice Girls, and all in all a dying equine would have been preferable.

But radios can be switched off, aching heads can be hidden under pillows, and Levi heaved a little sigh of relief at having darkness and quiet reestablished. Blindly, he felt around on his bedside table until he found what he had hoped for. Eren, his angel of a husband, had placed a glass of water and painkillers there. Bless Eren, husband of the year, a saint among mortals.

Taking the pills, however, required leaving his safe pillow haven, if only for a moment, and only the promise of some alleviation of his ordeal made the prospect a little less daunting.

He turned on his back, morning wood saluting proudly. Something about it felt a little off, as if his boxers were somehow bunched up, but Levi didn’t pay it much attention.

That changed very quickly when he sat up and caught a glimpse of his crotch.

No familiar boxer shorts tent greeted him, but a merry cross-eyed elephant happily presenting its trunk.

_Off she ran with a trumpety trump, trump! Trump! Trump!_

Levi yelled.

“Ffuuuck!”

Which was a grave mistake considering his state, and he fell back on his back, holding his head to stop it from splitting apart. A whimpered litany of choice words escaped his lips until the pounding subsided a little.

“Ow, my head.”

At the second attempt he managed to actually swallow his painkillers and empty the water glass. Then he glared at the offensive garment again. What the actual hell? Suddenly, everything came back to him. Erwin’s birthday, The bar, a sea of Bourbon and the hen party selling novelty underwear. Including this atrocity that his drunk self, for some inexplicable reason, had found irresistible. This atrocity and -

“Good morning, my darling. I see Colonel Hathi’s patrol is standing at full attention.”

Speak of the devil.

Eren was leaning in the doorway. Eren, his husband he had vowed to love and cherish, a man of such beauty that Levi had thought it impossible for anything to blemish it. Until now.

Levi’s eyes flitted to his husband’s face. Yes. Naked chest. God, yes. Mug of steaming tea in his hand. Big yes.

The thong. No.

Just no.

He flopped back and pulled the blankets over his face.Out of sight, out of mind. If only it was that easy - Levi feared that only years of heavy counselling would rid him of this jarring image.

“Do you not think I’m sexy?” The little shit’s voice had just the right amount of pout in it. Levi chanced another peek. Eren had turned around and stuck out his perfect butt, a string around his hips and another one that disappeared between his cheeks the only means of modesty. Mouthwatering.

“Mornin’. You’re as stunning as always, baby. But for the love of all that’s holy, put that thing away.”

“What? A gift from my loving spouse? Never.” Eren turned around again and cocked his hip, the googly-eyed bear between his legs grinning maniacally.

“I mean it. Bury it, sink it, kill it with fire. Just get it out of this house. Along with… with this.” He indicated to the pachydermic abomination.

“Oh baby,” Eren cooed and batted his eyelids. “You called it your spirit animal last night, and you were so fiery and passionate! The things you promised to do to me…” He finished with a dreamy sigh and rested his free hand on his hip.

“You are aware you’re speaking to a dying man, right?”

“Did you forget, darling? You wanted to show me your anaconda of love.”

“Eren, these might be the last words you ever speak to me, and you’re going to regret them.”

“Tssk.” He pranced over to the bed and placed the mug on Levi’s bedside table. “Don’t be so uptight now that you’re sober. I’m in the mood for some naughty jungle gym activities. Look for the bare necessities -”

“Too late. I’m dead,” Levi said loudly over his husband’s singing.

“ - the simple bare necessities, forget about your worries and your strife -”

“So sad to see you widowed so young.”

“- I mean the bare necessities, old Mother Nature’s recipe -”

“You have no respect for the deceased? Stop wriggling your ass at your late love’s deathbed.”

“- That brings the bare necessities of life!” A little breathless from his singing and dancing, and laughing at his whinging partner, Eren bounced on the bed and crawled over Levi’s body.

“Admit it, I’m turning you on like crazy.” He kissed a line down Levi’s neck, lips curving into a smile.

“You are currently committing an act of desecrating a corpse.” Levi squirmed, laughing against his will. “Stop it, that tickles.”

“Finally, you’re alive again. Corpses ain’t ticklish.” Eren nuzzled his cheek, unfazed by his morning stubble. “Good morning, darling.”

“Good morning. And thank you for the water and meds, and the tea.” Levi took a long sip of the divine brew. “Okay, apparently I put the elephant thing on myself, but how did you find the bear?”

“Erwin tipped me off to look in your jacket pocket. And seriously, I’m gonna keep it. Sadly I didn’t take video footage of your cute drunk ass last night, but still I have ways to never let you live that down.”

“Screw you.” There wasn’t any bite in it.

Eren patted his face. “Later, darling. I think Colonel Hathi needs a bit more rest after his night out.”


End file.
